• Substitute side dishes such as mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green beans and stuffing with hot wings, mini-tacos, mozzarella sticks and jalapeno poppers. Think about it: Beef Wellington as your main course along with the appetizer menu from AppleFridayCharleyTuesdays… hey, you only live once.

• Plan extensively for “Black Friday.” Liquor stores are often closed on Thanksgiving, and the day after – often cited as the busiest shopping day of the year – should, in reality, be spent entirely too drunk to shop, let alone drive to get to the stores. Stock up beforehand so you don’t have to leave the house at all on Friday.

• A lot of college students are home from faraway campuses and are out to have a good time… older single men and women with no/few morals – this is prime time to take advantage of naive (but legal) youngsters.

• A turkey sandwich on toasted, buttered bread with a liberal amount of seasoned salt is the best lunch to have while drinking on Friday. Mix dark and white meat equally for the best flavor. Repeat as needed.

• If you absolutely must go out into the world on Black Friday, at least have the decent sense to get a designated driver. There’s no way to soberly cope with the mall on the day after Thanksgiving. Try not to lose your receipts. When you forget what you bought, you can match all the items up and make sure everything jives.

• Thanksgiving Day is a great day to watch football teams that no one around here likes. The Cowboys? The Lions? I know, tradition. But traditions can and should be broken. Chastity belts were traditional undergarments at one time. It was traditional for 8-year-olds to work in factories. Eight-year-olds, dude.

• That last one isn’t really about anything. It would be nice to have the teams that always play on Thanksgiving be someone other than Dallas and Detroit.

• In this same vein, can’t you just imagine former player and longtime announcer Pat Summerall being into some weird, kinky stuff? Like the “stuff they keep behind the counter” type of stuff? Yes, the image is icky, but it’s better than imagining him on the table, humping the mashed potatoes.

• The worse the weather, the better the food tastes. This bit of datum was gathered from the same people who proved that 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot. Among their other findings are that your car performs better after being washed and that your mother really is proud of you. Really.

• Benjamin Franklin wanted the turkey to be the United States’ official bird. As someone who has in fact encountered both a fully-grown turkey and a fully-grown bald eagle, I can personally attest that a turkey is much more intimidating. I’m not sure what that says about birds, me or Ben Franklin, but hell, Ben seems like he would have been fun to hang around with.

• Thanksgiving is a day that was created by the decree of our 16th President, Abe Lincoln. We are supposed to set the day aside to give thanks for the good things in our lives. Food and shelter are pretty big on the list. Clothes, family and liquor are up there too. At some point, you should probably, maybe, just once, think about all that stuff before you pass out on the couch with your hand shoved down your pants as the Lions are getting clobbered by Green Bay.