Aries

March 21 - April 19

Four consecutive hours of knee-knocking Roloff Family shenanigans on Little People, Big World suck the majority of your night away. Forget the fact you have heaps of dirty laundry and zero pairs of clean underwear, the dwarf son is going to prom!

THIS WEEK: Go commando.

 

Taurus

April 20 - May 20

Hacking up thick yellow mucous, your girlfriend requests a trip to the nearest “no appointment necessary” urgent care facility. Over 3 frigid hours of waiting in a room resembling a walk-in freezer results, claustrophobically surrounded by creeps wearing DALE SR. house shoes and screaming kids hurling Matchbox and snot rockets. Thumb through one of the many out-dated issues of Golf Digest to pass the time; just don’t touch the unidentifiable stains.

THIS WEEK: Bird flu chirps outside your window.

 

Gemini

May 21 - June 20

That catchy Subway jingle (Five dollar, five dollar foot long....) haunts your thoughts and entices your gut. When the lunch whistle blows, head to Jared’s Sandwich Shoppe (Subway, duh) and load up. Resist the urge to pile on jalapenos or the day could get messy. Like leaving work early with fire squirts, messy.

THIS WEEK: Sit gingerly.

 

Cancer

June 21 - July 22

You realize there isn’t enough time in the day to get everything accomplished. This frustrating conclusion causes the majority of the blood vessels in your eyes to burst. Enjoy the rest of your over-planned, crappy week, Captain Red Eyes.

THIS WEEK: Outsource chores and responsibilities.

 

Leo

July 23 - August 22

Temperatures sizzle outside as the sun vehemently beats down. Conveniently, your air conditioner conks out, allowing your apartment to settle around a cozy 89 degrees. Better get some Gatorade or you’ll melt to the couch.

THIS WEEK: Make an ice cube suit using sandwich bags and duct tape.

 

Virgo

August 23 - September 22

Brace yourself for Hurricane Suck-Day! Coworkers surpass the precedent and display a stunning level of utter incompetence and sickening buffoonary. The aftermath reveals bulging temples, flaring nostrils and terrific, jack-hammer headaches smothered in a bitter gravy of expletives.

THIS WEEK: Do not buy a handgun!

 

Libra

September 23 - October 22

Big job interview today! Wake early and dress for success. There’s a bounce in your step as you bound excitedly out the front door, until you biff it right there on the front lawn, thundering down onto a massive pile of pungent dog crap (no doubt from that old bag’s dog next door). Collapsing in defeat, you release an angry moan and make a mental note fill your neighbor’s mailbox with the contents of your cat’s litter box.

THIS WEEK: There’s a knock at your door. It’s the police.

 

 

Scorpio

October 23 - November 21

MEEEOWW! x 1000! It’s 3 a.m. and the cats are making you aware of their ferocious appetite with commanding fury. Good job forgetting to replenish the IAMS supply, dummy.

THIS WEEK: The cats spite you and hide all of your pens.

 

Sagittarius

November 22 - December 21

A friend begs you to see Adam Sandler’s latest comedic gem, and obviously, it sucks something horrible. Peeved about blowing 15 clams on cinematic crap and unfulfilling snacks, you head to the video store in search of redemption. To your dismay, every copy of Borat is checked out. As a final punch below the belt, multiple copies of “Little Nicky” sit on the shelf, mocking you.

THIS WEEK: Send Adam Sandler a myspace message berating his latest movie; he’ll totally read it and apologize.

 

Capricorn

December 22 - Januray 19

Today you’ll cross paths with a colossal (and famous) letdown: Nancy Grace. In town for a lecture concerning the finer points of being an uppity drain on society, she deflates your day by screaming obnoxiously in your face with her stupid accent about how important she is and how great her twins are.

THIS WEEK: Work sucks again, Dilbert.

 

Aquarius

January 20 - February 18

Anticipating the new Lamb of God t-shirt you ordered online, you eagerly tear into the package and discover they sent you a Nickelback shirt instead. Tears roll down your cheeks and your body becomes paralyzed in agony as you try to deal with this unforgivable mistake. You sink into a deep depression and lose all faith in humanity.

THIS WEEK: Sit in the dark.

 

Pisces

February 19 - March 20

SPIDER BITE.....on your face! It’s a fantastic look for the upcoming work week, mutant-freak.

THIS WEEK: Stop making Spiderman jokes.