Worldwide superstar and timeless Christmas individual, Santa Claus, took the time to discuss his holiday whereabouts and personal experiences with me. With aliases like Kriss Kringle, Saint Nicholas, Basbouschka, Babbo Natale, and more than a dozen more, some may wonder if this international man of mystery has more up his sleeve than just bringing good will, joy and toys.

 

N4U: Alight, Santa. So let’s hear the dirt. What’s it really like flying around the world. Do you get cold?

SC: No, I have the coat Mrs. Claus sewed me for my birthday.

 

When is your birthday? On Christmas…I have to pull a double shift, but I get 364 days off, so no big deal.

                                                                                                           

So do you curb your reindeer? Carry little black baggies with you? They are trained pretty well. Rudolph had an accident one year and it was the most miserable Christmas ever! Now, I carry a cork…

 

Do you take anything to eat or drink with you on your big ride? I usually get pretty full of all the milk and cookies the kids leave out for me. That’s why I’m so big! Someone actually left me Spam last year. That was kind of weird.

 

What did you want to be when you grew up when you were a kid? The Easter Bunny

 

Do you know the Easter Bunny? Yeah, Mrs. Claus kicked me out a few months ago so I went and stayed with him for a while. He’s quite the Peppermint Schnapps drinker! He likes to line dance too. Hmmm.

 

What’s your favorite part about Christmas? My default answer is making all the dreams of the good little girls and boys come true, but I really love eggnog. No one drinks eggnog in summertime! It’s a shame though, eggnog is delicious and refreshing.

 

What’s your favorite toy this year? Guitar Hero. I broke a million points already. Hey, what else do I have to do with my spare time??

 

So since you have so much spare time, what else do you do occupy your mind? Mrs. Claus…we, uh…play Twister a lot. Gotta sample the games before we send them out to the kids. Make sure there is no lead or anything…Safety Santa, that’s me!

 

Who is your favorite elf? Will Ferrel; did you see that movie? Absolutely hilarious. Real elves are kind of annoying.

 

Speaking of movies, who was your favorite actor that played you? Billy Bob Thorton.

 

So, have you been around for forever or did you inherit the job from another S. Claus? That is classified information.

 

Do you really give bad kids coal and switches? Yeah, I used to but coal is too expensive, I prefer Lindsay Lohan movies. That is the worst kind of punishment.

 

What is your favorite TV program or do you even get satellite at the North Pole? Bootleg cable. I’m a football fan. Colts are my favorite.

 

Ever thought of running for president? I like McDonalds fries too much. I hear they won’t let you eat that kind of stuff in the oval office. They also make you work, like, every day. I’m not a big fan of that.

 

Can you really see all the kids around the world at all times? Well, yeah. I had DVR before anyone else so that makes it a LOT easier. I can use that slow and rewind button to watch little Johnny punch his sister in the face. Now, that is awesome! I mean, awful! Punching little sisters is not Guitar Hero worthy!

 

What was your most interesting Christmas night like? The Christmas I found out I was lactose intolerant. Ey…

 

Does homeland security give you a hard time when you try to go through airline security since you have such a full passport? I have private air transportation, but Clinton did give me a full pass. I got it the same time he gave the Latin Americans with the NAFTA Agreement passes.