More than you wanted to know about Tom (or Jane, even)

You probably don’t give much thought to the bird that gave its life for your Thanksgiving feast, unless you’re the person preparing it. And even then your mind’s probably occupied with thoughts such as, “Will the bird be dry? Can I get the lumps out of the gravy? Did I remember to lock the liquor cabinet?”

And a million other thoughts. I’ve been there. Once upon a time, I thought it was proper to take advantage of a weird set of circumstances and host my own Thanksgiving dinner for about ten friends and family members. On balance I did well; all the traditional items were served and although I used a tad too much rosemary to season the turkey, it was juicy and succulent. I was also drunk by 11 a.m., having uncorked my first bottle of Beaujolais at about 5:30 earlier that morning.

ANYWAY… what about life beyond the usual frozen ball ‘o bird we almost all purchase at the grocery store? There’s a whole world of turkey out there, and like many things, you get what you pay for. But the bird is the centerpiece of a traditional Thanksgiving feast, so why not splurge a bit for Tom (or, if the accident will, Jane)?

Use the web to find a turkey that delivers quality and quantity. It’ll cost more, but the taste will make all the difference. Fresh Heritage Turkey, from Heritage Foods (heritagefoodsusa.com) is a bird that descends from the very first domesticated turkeys. The conditions under which these somewhat pricey birds (up to $10 per pound) are as impeccable as their lineage; all the birds are free of any antibiotics, have zero additives, and are allowed to grow up in a pasture. Heritage allows twice the time (26 to 28 weeks) for the turkeys to develop to their full size than most factory-raised birds. And with a deeper texture, and more rich flavor, these birds are most akin to the game birds that would have been served at the Pilgrims’ first feast of thanks – if we’re to believe the centuries-old story.

Crossbreed Turkeys are a mix of the Heritage variety and the common Broadbreasted White, the bird most of us dine upon on Thanksgiving (think Butterball, et al). The Crossbreeds give the best of both worlds – they’re about half the price – with a large breast, richer flavor than the Butterballs, and for the most part, healthy raising practices. The Diestel Family Turkey Ranch (diestelturkey.com) offers organic broadbreasted birds.

Locally, you can find a fresh turkey, one that’s been raised on sunshine, good water and food right here in the area. King Farms offers fresh turkeys as well as other fresh poultry, pork, lamb, cheeses and other wonderful natural foods. They’re a little bit of a drive away, in tiny Union Star, Kentucky (get on 60 and go east). They may be reached at 270-547-6702.

So you have some alternatives to the same old, same old. But dangit, you’re going to stick with what you know and get that supermarket bird. They (the above-mentioned brand anyway) have a toll-free hotline you can call if you’re having trouble with your turkey.

Which brings up an interesting thought. How does one become a Butterball hotline staffer? I’ve called the line out of curiosity, and the woman on the other end was articulate, downright effervescent and patient as she helped me with my fictional problem. I told her that the bag of organs and necks and stuff inside the turkey had burst open, spilling their contents inside the cavity; I was “worried” that the bird was somehow fouled. She assured me that a simple rinsing out would take care of any offensive organ bits or juices, which really is common sense. And if that ever happens to me in real life, I’ll know what to do.

ANYWAY… so you’re sticking to the frozen block ‘o bird. Fine. There are some things to avoid, however. DO NOT get a bird with one of those pop-up timers. They’re simply not reliable as a tool, and they have the added downside of piercing the flesh and muscle of the turkey, which is like opening a spigot to let all the wonderful juices sluice right out. Dry turkey syndrome? This may be your problem.

DO NOT get a “self-basting” or “basted” turkey. These have been injected with a cocktail of mysterious things that can account for up to 3 percent of the total weight. Don’t be lazy. Find a good recipe, one that uses spices and herbs that you like, and do your own seasoning. Kosher salt and good freshly ground pepper with a sparse amount of rosemary or thyme is a good place to start.

Now you have your bird. Great. Break out the bottles of Beaujolais! Wait, no… some real quick items before we cast off. Or more precisely, “What do I do now that I have my bird?”

If you’ve gotten a fresh turkey, awesome. Keep it in its wrapper and place it into a rimmed oven sheet to collect the drippys. If you have a frozen bird, keep it that way until you’ve done a bit of math. Plan for one full day of thawing time for every 4 to 5 pounds of bird. A faster, but more laborious process involves wrapping the turkey tightly in plastic wrap (keep air bubbles out) and submerging in cold water. Allow 30 minutes per pound, and change the water every half hour. Using this method will let you thaw a 16-pound turkey in about 8 hours.

Man, do I ever love turkey. Most meat eaters do too, at least one a year. So take all this gibberish, go forth, expand your turkey knowledge and enjoy this Thanksgiving – with or without a gallon or two of cheap French wine…