Various Artists – Across the Universe Soundtrack
(Interscope)
1

Oh holy hell. What on earth possesses people to do things like this? Recently, the two surviving Beatles and their wives lent some songs to the Cirque du Soleil machine/franchise, turning some of the greatest songs of the 20th Century into Bakelite-textured Vegas-style productions blending aerialists, epilepsy-triggering light shows and “Let it Be,” among numerous other soulless atrocities.

And now with this recording, based on the evidence, it seems the divorce Sir Paul went through hit his wallet badly enough for him to give a reluctant nod to this crapfest.

“Across the Universe,” one of the most beautiful songs from the Beatles’ last album, Let it Be, is now a major motion picture with the same name. Here, we get track one, “All My Loving,” sung by the male lead from the film, Jim Sturgess (who also sings, sort of, and with great blasphemy, “Something,” “Strawberry Fields Forever” and “Across the Universe” on this 16-song crime of rhyme and rhythm). Then there’s a Quaalude-drenched version of “I Want To Hold Your Hand” by T.V. Carpio (whose voice is lovely, but damnit, this song sucks). It just gets worse and worse.

Female co-star Evan Rachel Wood appears on the soundtrack. She’s really quite lovely to look at but judging from the sounds belching out of my speakers right now, listening to her defecate all over “Blackbird,” she needs to lay off her boyfriend’s drugs (that would be Mr. Marilyn Manson by the way, and for the time being). Josie & The Pussycats would have more deftly performed her version of “It Won’t Be Long”. Or The Shaggs. Or me, with a mouthful of gravel.

ANYWAY, it gets substantially, progressively, infinitely more rotten. Not only is the vibe on Across the Universe… wait, there is no vibe. It’s simply nonexistent. It’s a drab coat of slightly tinted primer on an old plaster wall, waiting for someone to come along and apply a real and permanent coat of colorful paint.

Did I say it gets worse? Indeed. “Hey Jude” squats on here with all the verve and spark of a used condom tossed casually into some dark corner behind a dumpster in Des Moines. “Happiness is a Warm Gun” (sung by actors Joe Anderson and SELMA freaking HAYEK) is about as groovy as men’s garters. And once you’re finally at the end of this rucksack stuffed with masturbatory BS, you’re rewarded with… BONO! 4 minutes and 23 seconds of BONO! giving about 37% of his ability to the psychedelic classic, “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds.”

At this point in the album anyone with even the most remote appreciation of John, Paul, George and Ringo’s music will be angry. Or sad. Or maybe even violent. I’ve skipped mentioning a number of the songs on Across the Universe because it just seems there’s too much bile on this page as it is… there’s more to come here in the next couple of sentences and then I’ll save this document and forget it ever happened, and listen to Sgt. Pepper…, Revolver, The White Album and Abbey Road.

Okay, it has to be said: The songs on this piece of garbage sound as if amateur pot smokers who also happen to be in the emo phase of their 16-year-old lives recorded them while suffering joyless, bad-poetry-scrawled-on-lined-notebook-paper lives in a Doughboy swimming pool filled with tapioca pudding, shards of glass and cheap vodka. Blurry, disconnected and downright abysmal, Across the Universe belongs in the discount bin, on the bottom, underneath a scratched copy of something Zamfir recorded on his pan flute in 1986.

If there was something ironic, funny or self-deprecating about this album, I might be able to stomach it, and I’ve looked for said qualities. But no. Each moment of Across the Universe is unmotivated, uninspired, boring and a waste of time, money and sound. Maybe it matches the mood of the movie, in which case the film is either a) set for a thorough roasting by rottentomatoes.com or b) brilliant, and in the running for an Oscar next year. Either way, as a stand-alone piece of work, this is the most vomitous creation since Britney Spears’ performance at last month’s VMA’s show.

And now, off to the record player, side one of Revolver and ah… “Taxman…”
-- Dylan Gibbs

Animal Collective – Strawberry Jam
(Domino)
4

This odd group of musicians from the East coast undoubtedly get tarred with the “freak folk” or “weirdy beardy” brush, and their spacious, expansive, and experimental singalong vibe certainly doesn't help, I'm sure. But this latest release from the group strikes in some other directions, notably with the free floating psychedelia of “#1,” which rides a crest of sequencer oscillators like classic Pink Floyd on a starry voyage into the heart of the sun. “Chores” brings on a semi-staccato vocal style (and some huge bass beats) that hint at ragga or hip-hop, while stuff like “Winter Wonder Land” is a nice amalgam of classic Pavement and swirly shoegaze. Sound like a pretty tweaked mix of sounds? Try the final song, “Derek,” which sounds like the Beach Boys if they were mixed by Timbaland. Or the Flaming Lips. Yeah, it's kinda like that. But seriously, this is a fine album of unclassifiable & quirky yet catchy little songs, and isn't that all you really need?
-- Todd Zachritz

Scorpions – Humanity – Hour 1
(BMG)
1

I really wanted to like this CD, I really did. I wanted some rock like, “Rock You Like a Hurricane,” but what I got was a guy who sounded just like Neil Young rocking out to System of a Down lyrics and music. Here’s the catch-the intro to each of the songs is ganked from some random genre. We have a little Joe, a little Brooks and Dunn and a little Slayer. Seriously, this CD is so allovertheplace that really the only good thing about it is the cameo by Billy Corgan.
--Ashley Albin

G.G. Allin & The Murder Junkies – Hated
(MVD Visual)
3

Ah, the immortal G.G. Allin. The poster-boy for scum-rock, Allin was a festering boil on the face of punk in his day, terrifying audiences with his positively, eh, biohazardous live shows and seriously violent tendencies. This documentary is likely the most comprehensive and well-done look at the man who promised to off himself on-stage, but ended up quietly overdosing back in 1993. From his brutal, knuckle-dragging live shows, to his crude and troubled personal life, Allin cornered the market on ‘danger’ in rock. All the ugliness is here, as well as the man's rather anticlimactic funeral. Onstage and off, Allin was a symbol of man's inner animal. His drunken and drug-addled excesses were a nihilistic by-product of a troubled childhood and/or a fearless showman. This documentary brings this harrowing portrait into focus. An excellent film about an unusual and memorable character in rock history, and recommended only to those with strong stomachs, this DVD release also adds on lengthy modern-day interviews with Allin's brother Merle, band member Dino, and his mother, among other extras, all confirming the legend.
-- Todd Zachritz

Tangerine Dream – Madcap's Flaming Duty
(MVD Audio)
2

It's been a long and strange road for Edgar Froese's venerable synthesizer group. From pre-new age sequencer music to early ambient to Hollywood soundtracks to synth-oriented progressive rock, his ever-evolving group has broken new ground and inspired 40 years worth of electronic musicians. This new recording, dedicated to former Pink Floyd vocalist and guiding light Syd Barrett (who passed away in 2006), is a synth-prog-rock album full of melodic vocal pop. And it bears absolutely no likeness to Syd's rambling poetics. Vocalist Chris Hausl sports a rich and sonorous voice that reminds me of David Sylvian somehow, and the music is a light and pleasant enough mix of rock elements (guitar solos included) and Froese's analogue percolations. It's a nicely well-done release, stylish and never imposing, though it may be a little too close to wallpaper easy-listening adult MOR rock for some tastes.
-- Todd Zachritz

Emmure – Goodbye to the Gallows
(Victory)
2

Hardcore really isn’t my thing. All I can think of is, how do they do a concert? His voice has got to be shot after one song. So I don’t piss anyone off who thinks metal is supa fly, I’ll say Emmure’s debut album is as solid as it gets. They have a great following and “the grunted/screamed/spoken vocals kill massively, and the breakdowns do their name truly justice.” Yep, this band ain’t softcore, “I think I love you” metal, it’s down and dirty, nasty and wicked hardcore porn, uh I mean metal.
--Ashley Albin

Mike Mangione – Tenebrae
(Self-release)
4

Mangione is a blue-eyed folk singer-songwriter from the Chicago area, and this 12-song collection is a wonderful set of heartfelt tunes with unmistakable soul. Mangione, who works alongside his brother Tom on most cuts, weaves a considerable amount of pain and introspection throughout Tenebrae. Comparable in some ways to Irish troubadour Damien Rice, Mangione's acoustic songs resonate with a warmth and passion (and the violins and cellos don't hurt, either). The flow here is gorgeous and measured, and the organic production works in his favor as well. Standout tracks, you ask? There's the biting “It's Me, Not You,” or the more upbeat “You Don't Wanna Leave.” “Slowdown” is a romantic plea that will find favor with the ladies, and “Now That It's Done: Won't You Come Back?” is an even catchier tune full of lonely regret. How about the relaxed “Mama, Be Not Afraid,” which ends the release on an appropriately anthemic note? These extraordinarily fine songs make Tenebrae a world-class album that will melt hearts everywhere.
-- Todd Zachritz

Rob Zombie – Zombie – Live
(Geffen/UMe)
2

The press release for Zombie – Live states, “the long-awaited first live album from Rob Zombie has arrived. A brain-bashing, soul-shaking sonic earthquake, Zombie – Live, released October 23, 2007… spans songs from the hard rocker’s entire career…”

Long-awaited by whom? Zombie jumped the shark years ago, when the truly great White Zombie disbanded and Rob decided to up his “shtick ante” by cranking out comically stupid songs that had merely a wisp of the heaviness and thunder of his old band’s sound.

Here, we get live versions – 18 tracks – recorded last year during his Educated Horses-supporting tour. And while there are some excellent headbanging moments when you can earnestly appreciate modern heavy classics such as “Thunderkiss ’65,” for the most part, the songs are listless, boring and altogether a “Drag”-ula.

I’d love to love this, but I can’t. I can’t recommend it to all but the most devout White Zombie/Rob Zombie fans. They’re out there.

In the meantime, Mr. Zombie himself would do well to hang up the mic, and stay behind the camera, making movies.
-- Dylan Gibbs

MC Till – Beautiful Raw
(Local independent)
4.5

MC Till has been challenging the conventions of hip hop, life, love, and religion, for some time now, and does so again in this intelligent, insightful, and thought provoking release, Beautiful Raw. Peppered with nasty break beats and stand out guest performances by Source Aura, Wise Logic, and Leslie Hollis, Beautiful Raw is an album that will stay with your mind for awhile. With the powerhouse track “Fool’s Gold,” MC Till challenges Christians over the hypocrisy of their life inside the church. To be clear, this is not blasphemy, but merely one man asking questions. This is a man trying to find his way in the life he’s living. He challenges the public school system in “System Shambles.” He challenges hip-hop conventions in “Megan Good.” He even challenges his first girlfriend in conversation and song with the entertaining and talented, Leslie Hollis, who guests on several tracks and skits. Honesty, questions, and observations: pretty risky realms for MCs these days, but MC Till does so with an honesty that most MCs only claim to bring to the mic.
-- C. Rodriguez