December 4th

Pirates of the Caribbean:  At World’s End (Buena Vista)

This is the third installment of a movie franchise that has grossed over a billion dollars.  Nothing I say about it is going to make a difference.  But for sh*ts and giggles, I’ll tell you what I think.  Pirates of the Caribbean:  At World’s End is the best movie in the Pirates trilogy.  The special effects are tremendous.  The achievements in makeup are astounding.  That said, I am still not going to recommend the movie, because I just don’t care.  I could never, in good conscience, tell you to watch the first two movies just so you could see the third and best one.  That’s pointless.  I would feel horrible that I encouraged you to waste a significant portion of your life.  What we have with the Pirates trilogy is nine hours worth of big-screen story based on a five-minute amusement park ride.  That story is way too complex, convoluted, and overblown.  There’s just too much water in the ship and, from the very first Pirates movie, that ship has been sinking to the depths of the Caribbean.  GRADE:  C

December 4th

Superbad (Sony Pictures)

Boy!  Everyone rushed out to see this Judd Apatow movie!  Only, it wasn’t really a Judd Apatow movie.  The 40-Year-Old Virgin and Knocked Up writer/director just produced this movie.  He neither wrote nor directed it.  So, I guess the joke was on us.  Jonah Hill and Michael Cera star as high school seniors Seth and Evan, who spend the movie trying to buy alcohol for a party thrown by one of their classmates.  Much like in Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, Superbad essentially takes place over the course of a single day and night.  It’s quite reminiscent of those 1980’s raunch comedies like Revenge of the Nerds and Hardbodies, in which the geeks spend the entire movie trying to score.  Those movies weren’t funny and this one isn’t either.  It’s foul-mouthed and one note.  If you’ve heard one of this movie’s jokes about the male anatomy, you’ve pretty much heard them all.  Now, I don’t mean to be a (insert your favorite term for the male anatomy), but here’s my grade.  GRADE:  C-     

December 11th

Harry Potter and The Order of The Phoenix (Warner Brothers)

Though they’ve had different directors for the most part (Chris Columbus, Alfonso Cuaron and Mike Newell), the Harry Potter movies have all seemed the same to me.  I’ve recommended each, though they basically follow the same routine blueprint.  This 5^th installment in the franchise is directed by a newbie . . . David Yates, a little-known Brit who pulled off a major coup in getting this job.  A bigger coup is the fact that this little-known Brit has helmed the best Harry Potter film.  In the first four Harry Potter releases, we hear a lot of talk about magic and the powers these young wizards possess, but we don’t get to see a whole lot of it in action.  In The Order of the Phoenix, Harry and his friends hone that magical prowess and, for the first time, really use their powers to kick some Voldemort booty!  I’ve been waiting for a Harry Potter movie to prove to me that Harry Potter is worth all the fuss.  This is that movie.  GRADE:  B

 
December 18th

Stardust (Paramount)

I’m not a drinker, so I cannot relate to this dynamic at all.  But I have friends who regale me with their stories of nights on the town, about which they cannot remember key details of the next day.  They’ll say stuff like, “I have no idea how I got home.”  “I woke up next to this really ugly girl/guy/tranny.”  “I was laying in a tub of ice and my kidneys had been cut out.”  After watching Stardust, the latest effort from director Matthew Vaughn (Layer Cake), I understand that disorientation.  This tale of a lovelorn lad (Charlie Cox) in search of a beautiful fallen star (Claire Danes) plays like a fractured fairy tale.  However, even when Robert DeNiro shows up as a cross-dressing pirate, the movie is never as “fractured” and over-the-top as it pretends to be.  So, I wasn’t laughing.  But it’s just over-the-top enough to diminish the central love story.  So, I wasn’t swooning.  I was stuck somewhere in the middle . . . between the mortal world and a magic land.  Appropriately enough, the film rests right on top of its own wall separating those two universes.  The movie ended and I wasn’t sure to which side of the fence I would fall.  So, I just pulled a Humpty Dumpty and sat there.  GRADE:  C+

 
December 18th

Underdog (Buena Vista)

I was a huge fan of the cartoon Underdog because it was an in-your-face insult to Superman.  On television, Underdog was a clever illustration of how ridiculous the notion of a superhero really is.  The cartoon had a wicked sense of humor!  I mean, come on!  One of Underdog’s chief rivals was Overcat!  That sense of humor has completely vanished from this big-screen adaptation, which is, more or less, a domestic drama.  Yep!  Get the pooper scooper!  Does Shoeshine really have to go home with troubled teen Jack (Alex Neuberger), who’s at odds with his rent-a-cop dad, Dan (Jim Belushi)?  I think I would rather go the pound!  Director Frederik Du Chau wastes staples of Underdog’s mythology.  The secret energy pill and the quick-change in the phone booth were forced into the plot last minute as if someone said, “Oops!  Hold up!  We forgot the secret energy pill!  And doesn’t Shoeshine go into a phone booth to become Underdog?”  It pains me to say this, but Underdog has been neutered!  GRADE:  C-

December 25th

Rush Hour 3 (New Line Cinema)