DVD REVIEWS

March 4th

Before The Devil Knows You’re Dead (Image Entertainment)

I’ve seen a lot of movies. I’ve seen just about everything imaginable in those movies. However, nothing prepared me for the opening frames of this film, which contained images of a naked, coital and thrusting Philip Seymour Hoffman. Suffice it to say that I’ve never astral-projected to my happy place faster. Luckily, I worked through my post-traumatic stress (by jabbing my eyes out with my ink pen) and stuck with the film. Hoffman and Ethan Hawke star as brothers who conspire to rob their parents’ jewelry store. It’s supposed to be the perfect, victimless crime. They rob the store and get rich, no one gets hurt, their parents collect the insurance money and everyone wins, right? Well, wrong! The perfect crime is ultimately imperfect and lives are unexpectedly lost.  What makes this film interesting is the manner in which director Sidney Lumet shows us the major players at various times in relation to the robbery of Hanson Jewelers. From different perspectives, he shows us the prep work, the crime and, most importantly, the robbery’s aftermath. While there are some annoying loose ends, the film is still worth a rental because of Lumet’s storytelling and fine performances by Hoffman and Albert Finney, who stars as papa Charles Hanson. By the way, Lumet is in his eighties and is still working. When I’m eighty, I hope I can still chew solids. That’s the extent of my goals. GRADE: B-

March 4^th

Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium (Fox Walden)

Written and directed by Zach Helm (Stranger Than Fiction), Mr. Magorium is a rare children’s movie that’s not based on a pre-existing story. Helm actually created this tale, of a charmed toy store, for the big screen. Dustin Hoffman stars as Mr. Magorium, who, after working in it for some 200 years, has decided it’s finally time to die and will his toy store to his devoted assistant Molly Mahoney (Natalie Portman). Though she doesn’t see it in herself, Magorium sees magic in Molly. See, Molly’s not feeling very “magical” these days because she cannot finish a piano composition she’s been laboring over. However, Magorium believes she’s destined for even greater things. GRADE: C 

March 18^th

Love In The Time Of Cholera (New Line Cinema)

I did some research and discovered that the last outbreak of cholera in the United States was in 1911. So, I’m guessing we could have called this Love Around The Time of 1911. Doesn’t have the same ring, does it? Now, a little info for you about cholera, in case you were born after 1911 and have never suffered from it. Cholera is essentially an awful intestinal disease. It’s basically the runs. So, I’m guessing we could have called this Love In The Time Of Massive, Watery Diarrhea. Now, that has a peculiar, tasty ring to it, doesn’t it? There’s a lot of talk about cholera in this movie, but it doesn’t seem that anyone really has the disease. I suppose we should be thankful because that wouldn’t be much fun to watch. But, then again, this movie wasn’t either. Javier Bardem (No Country For Old Men, Before Night Falls) stars as the lovelorn Florentino Ariza, who has hundreds of affairs after being cast aside by the love of his life, Fermina (played by Giovanna Mezzogiorno). What else can you say about a movie that sports this line, “I would have been in terrible trouble if I lost my parasol?” Somebody pass the Pepto Bismol! GRADE: C-

March 18th

Enchanted (Buena Vista)

The reason to watch this tale of a beautiful, animated princess who is banished from her magical and musical kingdom and forced to live in real-life Manhattan can be summed up in just two words: Amy Adams. If a Walt Disney princess could actually spring to life from an animated film, she would be Amy Adams, who delivers an inspired and refreshing comic performance. Her Giselle absorbs everything the Manhattan hustle and bustle throws at her with the wide-eyed wonder of a teenaged girl on the precipice of becoming a woman. To quote The Police, “Every little thing she does is magic.” Whether she’s summoning rats and cockroaches to clean an apartment, destroying upholstery to make herself new dresses or launching into lavish musical numbers in Central Park, Adams brews with vitality and charm.  As Giselle, she allows us to know exactly what it’s like to have a fairy-tale life . . . only to have that life totally rewritten. Adams is a joy to watch and I sat in the theatre truly enchanted. GRADE: B

March 25th

The Mist (MGM)

Let me tell you something about Stephen King stories turned into movies. They stopped working in the early 1980’s. The only exceptions to that rule are the two King stories adapted for the big screen by Frank Darabont, the genius who wrote and directed The Green Mile and The Shawshank Redemption, one of the best movies of the 1990’s. Darabont is back and he’s armed with more source material from King. In The Mist, residents of a small, coastal town find themselves trapped in a supermarket when a strange mist engulfs the landscape and reduces visibility to zero. It also houses more than just pesky condensation. That mist is home to overgrown insects and hungry pterodactyl-like birds of prey. But the dangers outside become secondary to the dangers inside The Food House. Panic is building and the townspeople just aren’t emotionally equipped to deal with it. Bottom line: Stephen King has a great imagination, but his story would be more effective if he gave our imaginations more credit. The suggestion of what could be lurking in The Mist is far more terrifying that what truly is. And, as far as what’s going on with the village idiots inside the supermarket, clean up on aisle five! GRADE: D+

FILM PREVIEWS

March 7th

10,000 B.C. (Warner Brothers)

Writer/director Roland Emmerich’s latest endeavor is rather prehistoric. It tells the tale of a young mammoth hunter who battles to protect the future of his tribal people. See, way back in 10,000 B.C. it was politically correct to hunt mammoth. Poaching was so totally cool! Spears were like the Rubik’s Cube in the 80‘s A.D.! Everyone had one. Bottom line here . . . don’t expect to recognize cast members. Emmerich apparently used his money on special effects and not talent. The cast list sports names like Camilla Belle, Steven Strait, Tim Barlow, and Reece Ritchie. I know. You’re trying to find some underthings for them to autograph. Emmerich has made good films though. 2000’s The Patriot did for Heath Ledger’s reputation as an actor what 10 Things I Hate About You couldn’t. The only problem with Roland’s directing style is that he tends to go for broke with the special effects and the storytelling suffers. 2004’s The Day After Tomorrow was as disastrous as its subject matter. And, though it was a box office smash, 1996’s Independence Day contained a glaring oversight. We were nearly annihilated by a race of aliens who built and piloted aircraft without opposable thumbs. If that was possible, my schnauzers would be hijacking my Blazer and smashing it into Pet Food Center!

March 14th

Horton Hears A Who! (20^th Century Fox)

Since its Monsters, Inc., Shrek, Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius and Finding Nemo glory days, the animated film genre has been flopping around like a Nemo out of water. In the last five years, animated films have continued to look amazing. Yes, they are impeccably drawn but they’re poorly written. The lone studio able to produce a product both well-drawn and well-written is 20^th Century Fox, which gave us the superbly funny and original Ice Age movies. It’s 20^th Century Fox that gives us Dr. Seuss’ Horton Hears A Who!, which tells the story of an elephant named Horton (voiced by Jim Carrey), who seems to be the only pachyderm with ears big enough to hear the microscopic villagers of Whoville. Horton is co-directed by Jimmy Hayward, a former animation department wizard with Nemo and Monsters to his credit. That’s a plus. Another plus . . . voice work by the likes of Carrey, Steve Carell, Carol Burnett, Isla Fisher and more. But, stop the presses!! Oh, dear lord! We’ve hit a wall. Horton Hears A Who! is written by the screenwriting team of Ken Daurio and Cinco Paul. They gave us 2001’s Bubble Boy and March 7^th’s College Road Trip. Apparently, I’m not praying enough! Does anyone know of a good tent revival? Some place I can handle rattlesnakes?

March 21st

Shutter (20^th Century Fox)

From the producers of The Grudge and The Ring comes yet another movie that will play out just like The Grudge and The Ring. Filmmakers in Asia are geniuses. They have basically perfected the ancient art of recycling. They make the same movie over and over and over. But you cannot fault them because their audiences bite and so does Hollywood! That’s why we have been saddled with this exhausting rash of imitations of The Ring. If you’ve seen one of these movies, you have seen them

all . . . Dark Water, The Eye, etc. This time out, Hollywood power couple Joshua Jackson and Rachael Taylor (Google them, if you care) star as Benjamin and Jane Shaw, a newly married couple who capture ghostly, paranormal images in their photographs. What? Did they happen to catch a glimpse of Oprah without her makeup? That would actually make for an entertaining film because it would be original. Originality is something Asian filmmakers have begrudged.

March 28th

Stop Loss (Paramount)

Finally! A movie in March that looks like it’s worth a damn! Ryan Phillippe (Crash, Breach) stars as Brandon King, an Iraq War hero who returns to his Texas hometown and tries to once again adapt to civilian life. His efforts to do so are abruptly thwarted when the Army calls him back for another tour of duty in the Middle East. Stop Loss is written for the screen and directed by bold filmmaker Kimberly Peirce. Peirce directed Hillary Swank to her first Oscar win in 1999’s controversial and hard-to-watch Boys Don’t Cry. No subject matter these days is more polarizing than that of the War in Iraq. It takes big cojones to tackle that subject matter and Kimberly Peirce has a bigger set than most.

February 29th

Superhero Movie (Dimension Films)