December 7th
The Golden Compass (New Line Cinema)
The first installment of
Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials trilogy is hitting the big screen
and religious groups are circling around it like vultures! Groups like the Catholic League are afraid
that Pullman’s
atheist views will permeate the brains of your children and render them
godless. All that for eight
dollars? You know, this is the United States
and they can say what they want.
Thankfully, I have a column and I can write what I want. Nothing makes me want to see a movie more
than a good old controversy. But I was
already intrigued by The Golden Compass, because its stars, Nicole
Kidman and Daniel Craig (two of my favorites) had already signed on to complete
the trilogy before the first was even released.
Kidman stars as the evil Mrs. Coulter and Craig stars as the uncle of
Lyra, the young 12-year-old girl who, in this CGI-laden epic, sets out on a
dangerous odyssey through an alternate universe that is complete with witches
and shape-shifting demons. Despite the
warnings that the souls of our youth will burn eternally in the flames of hell
if we watch this movie, I cannot wait for it to open! Let’s be honest here. The cineplexes just haven’t seen the same
since The Lord of The Rings trilogy wrapped up in 2003. Here’s hoping we have a new trilogy we can
believe in!
December 14th
I Am Legend (Warner Brothers)
In Will Smith’s latest big
screen endeavor, a man-made plague (a la 28 Days Later) has nearly wiped
out the population of New York City (did it get Star Jones? Oh, please! Oh, please!) and turned everyone else into
blood-sucking mutants. Smith stars as
Robert Neville, a Manhattan
scientist who is convinced he is the sole survivor of the pandemic. He spends his days trying to find a cure for
the plague and spends his nights (a la 28 Days Later) hiding from the
“Infected.” I’ll admit that I am no fan
of Will Smith, but that I am intrigued by the premise. The only problem is . . . I feel like I’ve
seen this movie before. Danny Boyle’s 28
Days Later was an inspired reinvention of the zombie thriller. In fact, it was #9 on my Top Ten list for
that year. I thought it was brilliant
and terrifying. To me, I Am Legend just
looks like a blatant rip-off of that movie.
December 21st
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (DreamWorks)
“Attend the tale of
Sweeney Todd. His skin was pale, his eye
was odd.” So begins the musical Sweeney
Todd, brought to life on the big screen by director Tim Burton. To relay the tale of a barber hell-bent on
revenge, Burton
enlists his go-to guy, Johnny Depp. Depp
is the unjustly imprisoned Benjamin Barker, who returns to Fleet Street, opens
up a barber shop and begins to slit the throats of his patrons. Hiding the bodies is no problem thanks to
Mrs. Lovett (Helena Bonham Carter), who uses the victims to make delicious meat
pies she sells in her bakery. The studio
is being very sly in how it’s marketing this movie. The trailer contains very little music. But make no mistake. This is a musical, with music and lyrics by
Stephen Sondheim. For those of you
unfamiliar with his work, don’t go into Sweeney Todd expecting big
show-stopping musical numbers. Homey
don’t play that! Sondheim’s songs are
often written as musical conversations and much of the plot is layered in the
lyrics. It’s the kind of music that Depp
and Bonham Carter will actually be able to sing and sink their teeth into. It’s like a big old meat pie and I cannot
wait to enjoy a slice.
December 21st
National Treasure: Book of Secrets (Buena Vista)
Well, looks like we’re
getting lumps of coal for Christmas.
There are things in life I will never understand and many questions I
have that may never be answered to my satisfaction. For example, what exactly does Rip Taylor do? Aren’t 12-year-old boys afraid of Michael
Jackson BEFORE he gives them wine and touches them inappropriately? Aren’t the Pussycat Dolls really prostitutes? And, how on earth did National Treasure
gross $173 million dollars? And why is
the glorious Helen Mirren in this sequel and why is she telling everyone that
making this movie was the most fun she’s ever had? Someone find Susan Powter! We need to stop the insanity! I cannot believe I have to spend my Christmas
vacation watching Nicolas Cage reprise his role as Benjamin Franklin Gates,
who, this time out, tries to discover the truth about the assassination of
Abraham Lincoln after uncovering 18 pages that were missing from the diary of
John Wilkes Booth. That leads me to
another question . . . what man writes in a diary? I guess I should start one. Here goes!
“Dear Diary, I’m in hell.”
December 25th
Charlie Wilson’s War (Universal)
When people find out that
I write a movie review column or that I have a review show on the radio, they
always ask, “What’s your favorite movie of all-time?” Well, I can’t name one. But, if they ask, “Who’s your favorite movie
director?” I can answer instantly. It’s
Mike Nichols, who has directed some of my favorite movies of all-time: Closer, Angels in America,
Silkwood, The Graduate, and Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Nichols is a master and can capture real
conversation better than anyone working in the industry. Nichols has the power to make you forget that
his actors and actresses are actors and actresses. If you want to know what I mean, watch Julia
Roberts disappear into character in Closer.
Or you can watch her in this.
In Charlie Wilson’s War, she stars as a Texas socialite who teams up with
congressman Charlie Wilson (Tom Hanks) and a CIA operative (Philip Seymour
Hoffman) to arm Afghan resistance fighters against Soviet invaders. Sounds dramatic, doesn’t it? Well, it’s a comedy. And I’m already laughing.
December 25th
Aliens Vs. Predator-
Requiem (20th
Century Fox)
Yes, the sequel to 2004’s horrid Alien Vs.
Predator is being released on
Christmas Day. Nothing says “Happy
Birthday, Jesus” like a gore-filled, R-rated, B-movie romp. The movie’s tagline pretty much sums up how
I’m feeling about this project. “This
Christmas, there will be no peace on Earth!”
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