FILM PREVIEWS 

June 6th

You Don’t Mess With The Zohan (Sony Pictures)

Well, you don’t drop a hairdryer into a bathtub either, but I have a feeling I’m going to. Adam Sandler stars as a Middle-Eastern commando who fakes his own death in order to live out his dreams of becoming a hairstylist in New York City. Zohan costars Rob Schneider (Send me your Lortab, people! All your Lortab!) and is directed by Dennis Dugan, the man who gave us last year’s I Now Pronounce You Upchuck and Larry. I’m filling the tub full of water. Now, I’m plugging in the CONAIR Watt Ion Shineâ Ceramic Styler. Goodbye, cruel world!  

June 13th

The Happening (Fox)

The last time M. Night Shyamalan cast one of the Wahlberg brothers in a movie, he scored a massive box office and critical hit with 1999’s The Sixth Sense. In that film, Donnie Wahlberg, of New Kids On the Block (Ugh!) fame, played gunman Vincent Grey. In The Happening, his younger brother, Mark Wahlberg, stars as Elliot Moore, a family man on the run from a mysterious natural phenomenon that is wiping out mankind. As usual, Shyamalan is keeping plot details under wraps. That is key for a man who likes to end his movies with a twist. But those twists haven’t truly worked since Unbreakable. Signs was fine until those stupid-looking aliens showed up. And what about the so-called twist ending in The Village? Even Ronnie Milsap could have seen that one coming!   

June 13th

The Incredible Hulk (Universal)

It’s never a good sign when a film’s star refuses to talk about the project. And that’s just what has happened with director Louis Leterrier’s The Incredible Hulk. Reports suggest that Edward Norton, who stars as Bruce Banner/The Hulk, went to war with Marvel comics over the final cut of the film and Leterrier was stuck somewhere in the middle of the wrangling. Apparently, Norton is so pissed off, he’s turned green and stomped away. The last thing this movie needs is this kind of press. Remember, it was just five years ago that Ang Lee directed Hulk and that was as boring as the race for a Republican presidential nominee. Do audiences even still care about the Not-So-Jolly Green Giant?

June 20th

The Love Guru (Paramount)

It seems the architects of the Bible could have had the foresight to list the films of Mike Myers as one of the Biblical plagues. It seems Nostradamus, with all of his overblown prophecies about the end of the world, could have at least given us some warning that this thing was headed our way! But no! Here comes the Guru Pitka and we, as a civilization, are grossly unprepared. The cineplexes of the United States aren’t equipped to deal with such an impending disaster. But I am. Before I go into the theatre, I am going to prepare for Doomsday. I am going to pack a Rubbermaid tote with bottles of water, canned goods, a hand-powered radio, an LED flashlight and a rifle. Trust me, Gloria Gaynor! I will survive too!       

June 27th

WALL-E (Buena Vista)

If there’s a sure-fire hit in the month of June, it’s this. Why? Because, in case you haven’t noticed, the company known as Pixar (Toy Story, Finding Nemo and The Incredibles) is worth its weight in gold. WALL-E tells the story of the last robot left on Earth. Yep, we packed up and moved and forgot to turn the robot off. Isn’t that just like us? So, WALL-E’s spent the last couple of centuries just wandering around Waste Allocating! That is until very unexpected company arrives. This is family-friendly, money-making fare. However, there is one slight warning for parents. Much of WALL-E is dialogue-free. That part actually intrigues me. In fact, I think it’s genius. I also think director Andrew Stanton is genius. He wrote and directed Finding Nemo, one of my favorite animated movies of all-time.

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VIDEO REVIEWS

June 3rd

The Eye (Lionsgate)

There is so much wrong with this Dr. Phil couldn’t fix it. But the most glaring problem with this Juin Gui remake is the fact that after concert violinist Sydney Wells (Jessica Put-Her-Out-Of-My-Misery-Please! Alba) undergoes a double corneal transplant, she starts to see... and hear ghosts. Did you read that last line carefully? She has eye surgery and she starts to hear ghosts. This gal is a miracle of modern medicine. She can hear with her new eyes! Heck! Get me a pair of those peepers! I’ll ram a piece of chocolate cake into my face and see if I can taste with them too! GRADE: F  

June 3rd

Semi-Pro (New Line Cinema)

Will Farrell continues to lose box office credibility and movies like this are the reason why. Sadly, Semi-Pro actually made more news after it left theatres. Do you remember the bear that Farrell’s basketball star, Jackie Moon, was going to wrestle for a publicity stunt? If you didn’t see the movie, you probably saw him in the movie’s trailer. Well, in real life, that bear attacked and killed his trainer. I don’t know for sure, but I would assume that freak accident sent chills up the spine of Farrell and his film crew. Maybe, if we’re all lucky, it will serve as a sort of wake-up call. Will Farrell, wrestling a bear isn’t funny. Will Farrell, Jackie Moon isn’t funny. Will Farrell, you’re not funny. But you know what’s funny about the word “funny?” It starts with the letter “F!” And, speaking of which . . . GRADE: F

May 6th

The Bucket List (Warner Brothers)

Rob Reiner (The American President, A Few Good Men, Misery) has made good films. This, unfortunately, isn’t one of them. For me, this movie kicked the proverbial bucket quickly and here’s why. Jack Nicholson’s hospital-owner character, Edward Cole, undergoes major brain surgery minutes into the film. However, he never seems to suffer from pain. The man has a scar on his head the length of the Mississippi and he never winces. Even more unbelievable is Morgan Freeman’s character, Carter Chambers. He’s battling cancer alongside Edward in the oncology ward, but no one treats him at all. He just lay in the bed and watches doctor after doctor, nurse after nurse treat his roommate. I actually like the idea behind this movie. In fact, I think everyone should make a bucket list. Just make sure seeing this isn’t on yours. GRADE: C- 

June 17th

Fool’s Gold (Warner Brothers)

The first time Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson collaborated we got How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days, which made me want pick at my scabs and eat my own hair. I know the old adage suggests that if, at first, you don’t succeed you should try again. Well that’s a bunch of _____ (insert the profanity that serves as the name of a popular drinking game)! What more can you say about a movie that is directed by Andy Tennant, the man who gave us Hitch (shoot me!) and Sweet Home Alabama (shoot me now!) and written by John Chaflin and Daniel Zelman, the dynamic duo who gave us Anaconda 2: The Hunt For Blood Orchid? Trust me! The 2008 movie season has been devoid of real gold. This is only the fool’s brand! GRADE: F

June 24th

10,000 B.C. (Warner Brothers)

Yes, 10,000 B.C. or Horton Heard A Spear Flying By His Head. Director Roland Emmerich (Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow) has made a career for himself with big-budget special effects and low-budget storylines. As expected, 10,000 B.C., the story of a young mammoth hunter trying to free his tribe mates from a ruthless warlord, fits the bill. Some of the special effects are amazing. That’s a given with Emmerich. But there’s just too much here that doesn’t work. As with Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto, there is big race going on in the jungle and I don’t really care who wins. Even more bothersome is a cast full of characters named D’Leh, Evolet, Tic’Tic, and Nakudu, who all speak perfect English. If they’re going to speak English in 10,000 B.C. just named them Todd, Larry, Hank and Doris.   GRADE: C (But at least it’s not an F)