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The Next Great Picasso Offers Works of Art to Evansville NOW!

awa — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 16:43:58 GMT

Wouldn't it be great to have a Picasso hanging on your wall? Just think if someone had invested in his work when he was still a "young artist." Their small investment would yield a very heavy interest! Now, you have your chance to purchase works from the next Picasso! Join the St. Vincent's Day Care on May 2nd from 4-7 p.m. to to purchase works of art created by their 250 students. (Sculptures, painting and so much more!) While you are there, enjoy a movement and music class at 5:30.

ROMP

Owensboro Bluegrass Museum — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 20:13:50 GMT

ROMP 2008 promises to be one of the top music festivals of the summer. And it just happens to be in Owensboro, KY!

Taking place June 26-28, ROMP will feature 30 terrific bands, a film festival, The Legends Concert, new exhibits, FREE CAMPING at Yellow Creek Park, tasty concessions, arts & crafts , and great family fun…all within a short drive from anyplace in the tri-state.

Thursday, June 26 kicks off at 9AM with films, exhibits and tours at the Museum, 117 Daviess Street in downtown Owensboro. The music begins at 11:00 next door at the Riverpark Center with three regional bands followed by Timberline Drive, Bob & Sheila Everhart, and American Flyer. Exhibit premieres and Bluegrass Hall of Fame Plaque Unveilings are at 5:00. The ROMP 2008 Legends Concert begins at 7:00 at the Riverpark Center featuring legendary Bluegrass Gospel families: The Isaacs, The Lewis Family, and The Sullivan Family -- a fabulous, not-to-be-missed concert for Gospel music fans!

On Friday, festivities begin at 11AM at Yellow Creek Park (5710 Highway 144, Owensboro). Enjoy FREE CAMPING (with ticket), a wide variety of food vendors, craft booths, a spray park, and instrument workshops. Performers include Mike Snider, Dale Ann Bradley, Dry Branch Fire Squad, Don Rigsby & Midnight Call, Hazel Dickens, Hamilton County Bluegrass Band, Sauber & Graham, Larry Stephenson Band, Country Ham, and Lost and Found.

Saturday also begins at 11 AM. Performers at Yellow Creek Park include Infamous Stringdusters, Dailey & Vincent, Cherryholmes, Crooked Still, Cadillac Sky, Red Wine, Claire Lynch, G2, Buddy & Tina Wright Group, Kentucky Bluegrass AllStars, and Tom, Tina & U.S. Express.

To help folks out in these trying times, ROMP 2008 will offer huge discounts for seniors, students and groups. Kids 12 and under get in free! 3-day All-Event Passes purchased before June 16 are only $50.00 for Adults; Family Passes are $125 (admits 5).

Call 270-926-7891 or visit www.riverofmusic.org for tickets and details.

What's Cookin: Tokyo Japan

Matthew Gregory — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 16:00:55 GMT

Tired of choosing between quality and convenience when it comes to hibachi grill dining? Ever wish there was a place that combined both of those qualities right here in Owensboro? Luckily, Tokyo restaurant has opened and offers both high quality hibachi dining and convenient prices on a daily basis.
            Located at 3415 Frederica St. in the former Wendy’s building, Tokyo does a great job of keeping the best features of high quality hibachi dining while going easy on your wallet. Unlike traditional hibachi restaurants, Tokyo prepares their meals on their grills away from your dinner table. However, doing this does not take away from the taste and service of the traditional hibachi grills. To go along with many combinations of hibachi grill items, Tokyo offers some of the best sushi in Owensboro at perhaps the best price.
Every meal at Tokyo is accompanied with a complimentary appetizer of edamame (soybeans), to start the experience. Hibachi meals at Tokyo range from one item entrees to as many as four items as the main entree. Items include chicken, shrimp, beef, scallops, and vegetables. Tokyo also offers appetizers at a very reasonable price. Appetizers at Tokyo include egg rolls, edamame, potstickers, squid salad, and seaweed salad
Perhaps the best example of the incredible quality and value offered at Tokyo is the seafood. Tokyo’s shrimp is easily twice as large as most other restaurant’s and their scallops are quite possibly the largest and tastiest in town. Tokyo only uses the highest quality seafood and all of their scallops are chosen for their size, which are normally 20-25 count, which means it takes between 20 to 25 to equal a pound.
            Once again, quality is not spared when it comes to anything at Tokyo, especially when it comes to their sushi. Tokyo offers more than 20 varieties of sushi and each is served upon platters which look more like works of art more than food. Upon trying any sushi at Tokyo, you will realize why they only use the highest quality seafood and in the future it may be hard to eat sushi anywhere else..
            In the future, if you find yourself looking for the perfect blend of high quality hibachi grill dining and great value for your dollar, stop looking and head into Tokyo restaurant and enjoy one of the best restaurants in the city of Owensboro.

HORRORSCOPE: MARCH 6, 2008

Kato — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 21:54:09 GMT

Unfortunately, today is not your day... As the temperature outside plummets, so will your luck. Someone close to you will barf numerous times on the carpet this morning, perhaps even a pet. Keep the paper towels and Oxy Clean handy! Have patience, as your professional environment will become complicated. Ignore overweight, poison-spewing patrons smelling of wintergreen Kodiak who blame you, the lowly, hourly paid associate for corporate shortcomings and inept inventory management. Present a shield, conjure up a smile and the curse words and insults will bounce right off. Tonight: You'll get no sleep, but who needs it anyway?

TOSCA performed by the Indianapolis Opera

awa — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 19:47:55 GMT

Tosca
by Giacomo Puccini
Performed by the Indianapolis Opera

Friday, March 14, 2008 at 8:00 p.m.
Sunday, March 16, 2008 at 2:00 p.m.
at Clowes Memorial Hall in Indianapolis, IN

Performed in Italian, with easy-to-read English translations projected above the stage.
With the Indianapolis Symphony Orchestra
Conducted by James Caraher
Directed by Joachim Schamberger

Tosca seduces all with her voice, but loves only one man. When her lover is imprisoned and faces death, she tries to use her charms to save him. But ultimately she confronts a fateful dilemma: give herself to the very man she despises or her lover will die. Grand choruses and magnificent scenery make this one of opera’s most compelling masterpieces.

Click to purchase tickets.

DIAMOND LAKES IS OPEN

AWA — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 22:33:57 GMT

We would like to apologize to Diamond Lakes Campground for running in the February What's Cookin' that they are closed throughout the winter months. DIAMOND LAKES IS OPEN and have camping spots and cottages available. Visit www.diamondlakeresort.net for more information or call 229-4900.

Horses Galore

awa — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 22:21:58 GMT

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Horse training clinics and horse related vendors. Plus see Silver, The minature trick horse perform.

Time:9 AM-4:30 PM
Location:Bittle Equestrian Center
Contact:Mike Peacock
Phone:270-929-6659

TV Screed

Fangirl — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 18:00:37 GMT

All right, all right, I’ll admit it. The writer’s strike hasn’t been all bad. Despite the fact that I would prefer to continuously bitch and moan about shortened seasons, uncertain futures for some of my staple shows, and the general jankiness of the programs that have returned sans WGA staff, I have to confess that I have managed to, through careful perusal of certain once lesser-watched channels, been able to reasonably satisfy my appetite for entertainment (read: my desperate need to escape from grown-uphood somehow sometimes). Sure I could have done what most folks did, and turned to other opiates like opium and heroin for comfort, but hell, I’m already at home and paying for cable every month, so scoring just seemed like so much extra work. What have I come up with? Some real gems! Stuff that may have otherwise gone unnoticed but for the current unfortunate set of circumstances. So while I pray to anyone who will listen for the strike to end soon, in the meantime…

Celebrity Rehab (VH1)

Oh VH-1, I would be so much better of a person if it weren’t for your utterly tasteless, morally questionable, and shamefully addictive “celebreality” shows. I can’t stop watching. And speaking of addictions, I think this is the best one yet. The whole world is still cringing over the state poor Jeff Conaway was in. From now on I will never automatically think of Olivia Newton-John in spandex when I hear the word “Grease.” Unfortunately, now the image of “Kenickie” or his shell anyway, disheveled, mumbling, weeping, and hallucinating, all hunched over in his wheelchair is forever burned into my brain. Ugh. Most homeless people I see look 100 times better than he did. Because his story is so compelling, the other celeb trainwrecks involved seem pretty irrelevant, but rounding out the cast, along with the benevolent-next-Dr.-Phil, Dr Drew, are a couple of nasty skanks, some has-beens, a few never-weres, a crackhead and a Baldwin. Daniel Baldwin (the second best one!) to be specific and he is the next most interesting character because he seems to have some alien body chemistry that caused a recent drug test to be able to detect “nanograms of metabolized cocaine” in his system when he claims to have been sober since November of 2006. It can be stored in the fat cells somehow he heard someone hypothesize once (*cue sarcastic look from the nurse*). He further claims he’s just doing rehab to keep his sobriety on track. Nudge nudge, wink wink. Bet you can’t watch just one episode!

How It’s Made (Science Channel)

Such a fascinating show! I am actually surprised by how often I am surprised by the complexities of the manufacturing process. These documentary style summaries of the work that goes into making everyday stuff sure makes me appreciate things I took for granted before, like whistles, grandfather clocks, and umbrellas. And makes me marvel over how the $1.00 store keeps buying their stuff so cheap. It must take most of that whole dollar’s worth of materials, labor and electricity just to make it. Right? In any case will the guy that does the narration for this show please come to my house and read me a bedtime story every night? His delivery of the information is at just the right intonation, somewhere between a robot and a sensitive hot guy. It feels like he is opening my skull and gently, soothingly pouring all that yummy education right into my brain. Mmmm.

B. Original (DIY Network)

I almost hate to tell anyone about this show because every time I see it I am pretty sure I am going to make millions on eBay selling the kick-ass crafts host Michele Beschen comes up with. Or at least have nifty ideas for something to make the family for any gift-giving occasions. Or possibly even make all my friends green with envy over the insanely awesome and unique ways I learned to decorate around house. Some of my favorites are the kitchen cabinet insert panels, the license plate boxes, the magazine page floor, and the outdoor concrete block couch! She is completely fearless and innovative in dealing with materials, tools and adhesives and, OMG…I think I need to go to Home Depot right now.

The Lampion Center's A Chocolate Affair

AWA — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 18:31:19 GMT

So, Valentine's Day began as a Catholic holiday that celebrated martyred saint, Valentinus. Now, how we came to spend this day wooing our beloved with chocolates, flowers and promises we don't intend to keep, when it originally was to celebrate a man's death, I don't know and I really don't have the time to research it right now. Valentine's Day reminds me of a decorated box and Snoopy saying "Be Mine, Valentine" on a miniature card with a name scribbled on the envelope in red crayon.
In any event, if you have a Valentine and want to treat him or her to more than a small card and a handful of promises, join the Lampion Center for their annual Chocolate Affair on February 2nd. The Lampion Center is a non-profit organization that provides counseling for children and families and adoption services.
With 10 local restaurants and caterers donating oodles of chocolate goodies and champagne to wash the sweetness down, you and your honey, or co-worker, or best friend will be sure to have a splendid evening. Entertainment is provided by Monty Skelton on saxophone, Pat McCormick on piano, and the vocal stylings of Karen Ellerbrook and Gina Moore, and a plethora of silent auction items (listed below) will be available for bidding.
A Chocolate Affair is being held on February 2nd from 7:00 until 10:00 p.m. at the Old National Bank Wayne Henning Atrium. The cost of the evening is $50 per person.

Reserve your tickets by calling 812-471-1776 or by emailing Vicki Nelson vnelson@lampioncenter.com. Visit www.lampioncenter.com for more info.

*Stay tuned to news4uonline.com for FREE tickets to A Chocolate Affair!

· Win a chance for a $500 shopping spree at Tracy Zeller Jewelry

John Mellencamp autographed CD
KitchenAide Artisan SeriesStand Mixer Donated by Whirlpool
Marshall Tucker Bank Autographed Photo
Chantelle Paige Untouchable T- Shirt
St. Louis Rams Football Limited Edition
Harley Davidson Picnic Basket with Blanket - Bud's Harley Davidson
RCI Gift Certificate for 1 week vacation ($1500)
RCI Gift Certificate for 1 week vacation ($1500)
New Harmony Inn- Overnight Stay
C. J Sturman- One Hour of Interior Design (3)
WFIE - Watch Midday with Mike & Lunch
New Harmony Theatre - 2 tickets any performance
USI - Two Seaon Basketball Tickets
Miss Priss Purses (2)
Les Miley Pottery
(2) -Spurling - WW11 Airplance Ride
Free Session at Rick Herdes Basketball Camp
Indiana Pacers - Memorabilia
Pampered Chef Basket
Chocolate Basket
Chris Rutledge - Golf for 3 at Rolling Hills Country Club
Ivy Tech - Chocolate, Chocolate, Chocolate Class
Ivy Tech - Wine Class
Evansville Otters - Family Ticket Package
June Frederking - Water Color painting
Gray Photography- Studio Session Gift Certificate
Guitar Center- Guitar
Tri State Trophies - USI XL Men's assorted
Custom Recreation - Pool Cube
John & Judy Stratman
Escalade Sports - Quarterback Attack
Rolling Hills - Golf for four with cart
Beauty Basket from Image Makers
Ellison's Jewerly
Kelly Endsley, LMT - One Hour Massage
Impulse Hair - Chocolate Pedicure Certificate
2 Evansville books autographed by Mayor JonathonWeinzafpel
Arden Harris - Watercolor

JAIL

AWA — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 18:09:22 GMT

One of the News 4U staff is in JAIL!! Wait...virtual jail. Rachel Sollman, one the News 4U esteemed advertising account representatives, is participating in the MDA Lockup. MDA, the Muscular Dystrophy Association, is working night and day to find a cure for a diseases that progressively cause muscle weakness. It is like being in a "jail" in your own body.
    Rachel is participating in the MDA Lockup Event on January 30th, 2008 and was asked to raise $1,200 for "bail."
    The link below will take you to Rachel's bail page and it is very easy to donate money, you can pay by credit card/bank card or you can print out a slip to mail in with a check...how easy is that? Do I smell tax write-off?

https://www.mdaevent.org/ParticipantInfo.aspx?j=f06f1143-c792-4ff5-a5de-59d7a5f58420

Or, for more information on Muscular Dystrophy, visit www.mdausa.org/

Busy busy busy little bees

DG — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 20:23:49 GMT

Back in high school, I had a history teacher whose glaucoma entitled him to imbibe in herbs - and not the kind you'd put in a simmering pot of pasta sauce. He was wise, worldly, and weird. Students loved him for his bizzare presentations of the high points in ancient Egyptian history - monarchs buried in sand, mummies that made stuffy English adventurers richer than Midas, pyramids towering over the arid landscape - you couldn't help but pay attention.
    And you had to, because during the less exciting times in this particular class, like in any public school classroom, the kids would get bored. Boredom then segued into stupid mischief and worse - talking - oh heaven forbid there be talking...
    That was when the teacher would lay the line on us, the line that still sticks in my head 18 years later: "I'm busy, you're busy, all Damien's little brats are busy."
    No one had a clue what the hell he meant, but it sounded serious. Serious enough to get the roomful of 15 and 16-year-olds back to studying... or at least back to simply sitting still - quietly.
    Musing about this came from this past week here at the News 4U ranch. We've just rapped up our annual wedding and bridal publication, Tri-State Bride; now we're jumping straight into production on our monthly magazine for all things related to kid's athletics, Go Team.
    Needless to say, our staff of busy little bees have been at it big time, churning out what we hope are fun, informative, useful and worthwhile magazines... and then back onto the big one: News 4U.
   In the coming months be looking for new things in the magazine and here online. We're busy - like Damien's little brats - whatever that means. But as always, we welcome your comments, suggestions, illuminations, ruminations and thoughts.

Thanks and ciao

Super Bridin'

Ashley — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 14:08:48 GMT

Dum, dum, duh, dum, dum, dum, dum dum… Do you think it is beyond cheesy that I have the “Wedding March” as the special ring tone that chimes out whenever my fiancé phones his wife-to-be? Do you think it is pathetic that I obsess over the precise shade of fuchsia for my bridesmaids, and scour the web for hours on end to find the perfect accessories? Am I about to lose my mind because I stay up at night, completely consumed with picking chocolate, white or even red velvet cake? I was never like this! I was the girl who would watch Bridezillas and have a good laugh at all those nuptial fanatics who would release doves and cry if the ice sculpture started melting. It’s ice! That’s what ice does, it melts! Okay, let me just tell you, from the moment you get that ring until you are back from the honeymoon, you will become an neurotic, lunatic BRIDEZILLA, no matter how cool you think you are. You may not be as animated as these girls who are posing for the cameras, but unless you Britney Spears your weddin’, it’s a tough process.

Lucky for you and me, there are resources at our disposal! On Sunday, February 3^rd at The Centre spend your Super Bowl Sunday away from the guys and drag your mom, mother-in-law-to-be, sisters and bridesmaids to SUPER BRIDE SUNDAY. From 9 in the morning until 4 p.m. dozens of the Tri-State’s premiere wedding vendors will be at your disposal. Just think, you can have almost all your planning done in one day, or at least dig up some fresh ideas. This event is free to the public and while you are there, be sure to pick up a free copy of Tri-State Bride 2008; your ultimate wedding planning guide, brought to you by News 4U. You’ll get the inside scoop from a real bride-to-be who has basically done all the work for you. From beauty and fashion trends, to where to have your reception, to etiquette advice from real bridal gurus, Tri-State Bride 2008 and Super Bride Sunday are your golden ticket to actually enjoying your big day. Also, be sure to visit www.tristatebride.com to get a jump-start on your planning experience. Our interactive website allows you to log your guests, print labels for place settings and invitations, store your timeline, checklists and even hosts a comprehensive list of all the tri-state’s local bridal merchants. This is your big day, your chance at a dream wedding! Let us be your portal into the outside world when you are covered in lilies and lace. I mean come on, you want your hair to be pretty on your wedding day, not all pulled out!

Don't forget to check out the online version of this great resource. www.tristatebride.com has all the information you need to make informed decisions at your fingertips!

Haunts of 'Boro

Melissa Kaiser — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 15:23:18 GMT

In the November Issue of News 4U Magazine, I introduced to you the one of a kind “Haunts of Owensboro” ghost walking tour. Due to the success of that tour, creator, David Wolf, has revamped and expanded the walking tour to a riding tour on Komfort Koaches!

Did you miss the November issue and have no clue what I am talking about? Allow me to recap: “Haunts of Owensboro” is a tour that will take you to various locations around Owensboro that are thought to be haunted; you will learn the history and listen to the folklore attached to those locations.

So if the idea behind the walking tour sounds interesting, but you are not able to walk, or just do not want to, then this tour will give you the chance to enjoy all those same activities! All the exciting aspects of the walking tour are still included, but now you can rest comfortably in a heated bus!

From January to the end of March, the riding tour will take you to more historically haunted places than the walking tour was capable of taking. In addition to the Trinity Center (home of Theatre Workshop of Owensboro), the Area Museum of Science & History, and the Daviess County Courthouse, several new places will be added to the tour including the old Library and the Cigar Factory Mall. Once again, the exact route is top secret; you will not know exactly where you are going until you actually go on the tour. You will still be able to experience the possible paranormal activity happening at various locations, since the tour will stop and allow you get out at certain spots.

Tours last from 7pm to 9pm, beginning at the Executive Inn. You must make a reservation in advance, as seating is limited, only 13 people accepted! For only $20 per person, you will have the opportunity to gain understanding about the history of Owensboro and the world of the paranormal.

To experience this one-of-a-kind tour and to make reservations, contact David Wolf at 270-313-5596 or visit www.hauntsofowensboro.com.

Super Bride!

Ashley West-Albin — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 14:48:04 GMT

Don't forget to check out the online version of this great resource. www.tristatebride.com has all the information you need to make informed decisions at your fingertips!

The show must go on: Stewart and Colbert to return

Dylan — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 15:02:34 GMT

Since the writer's strike that began in November, late night comedy shows have been, well, filled with a lot of deja vu. That's because they've been showing reruns, and since most of the jokes are topical and time-sensitive, shows like The Daily Show, Colbert Report, The Late Show and The Tonight Show have been mostly unwatchable.

Well, the best of the night crew (with all due apologies to Mr. Letterman) return on January 7, with or without the efforts of WGA writers. As Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert both say, "We would like to return to work with our writers. If we cannot, we would like to express our ambivalence, but without our writers we are unable to express something as nuanced as ambivalence."

So yeah, it'll be cool to see the return of some fresh stuff - if only on one network and for only an hour... what's your take on this, the writer's strike and whatever else comes to mind?

iTunes Top-sellers

DG — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 14:18:51 GMT

It's nice to see some decent stuff on the list (Amy Winehouse's Ronettes-esque sound was refreshing), and Kayne is consistently great, but c'mon... who gives their 9-year-olds a credit card/Paypal account to buy this stuff?

ITUNES BEST-SELLING ALBUMS OF 2007

1. Maroon 5 It Won't Be Soon Before Long

2. Amy Winehouse Back To Black

3. Kanye West Graduation

4. Daughtry Daughtry

5. Colbie Caillat Coco

6. Linkin Park Minutes to Midnight

7. Various Artists High School Musical 2 (Original Soundtrack)

8. Timbaland Shock Value

9. John Mayer Continuum

10. Various Artists Hairspray (Soundtrack to the Motion Picture)

ITUNES BEST-SELLING SONGS OF 2007

1. Fergie "Big Girls Don't Cry (Personal)"

2. Gwen Stefani "The Sweet Escape"

3. Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah"

4. Avril Lavigne "Girlfriend"

5. Fergie "Glamorous"

6. Kanye West "Stronger"

7. Maroon 5 "Makes Me Wonder"

8. Akon "Don't Matter"

9. Timbaland “The Way I Are (feat. Keri Hilson & D.O.E.)

10. Shop Boyz "Party Like a Rock Star"

Led Zeppelin: The reunion

DG — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 14:54:53 GMT

The show was last night, and the review's in:
www.nme.com/news/led-zeppelin/33079

Footage is rolling into youtube already, and from what I've heard so far, the guys sound tight as hell. Plant still has the swagger, Page's Gibson sounds as massive as ever and Jones' bass is a solid wall.

Now lets get Zep over the Atlantic already...

Led Zep rumors: Tantalizingly close

Dylan — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 22:22:53 GMT

Billboard reports Bonnaroo organizers have dispelled the rumors floating around the internet that Led Zeppelin would be at next year's festival in Tennessee:

www.billboard.com/bbcom/news/article_display.jsp?vnu_content_id=1003680943

On Monday, the interwebs were abuzz with the rumor that the band (or at least 3/4 of them) would be oh so close to us for their first show in the States in 30 years. As it turns out, Zeppelin will only play one gig in London on December 10.

DON'T DO THIS SORT OF THING, WHOEVER STARTED THIS!

I fell for this, which is really Nobody's Fault But Mine...

Vertically challenged Tim: "(Deity of your choice) send nice thoughts to everyone, everywhere"

Dylan — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 19:51:14 GMT

A story here: www.upi.com/NewsTrack/Top News/2007/11/28/festival drops_christmas_from_title/4447/

Describes a Michigan town changing the name of their annual Dickens Christmas Festival to the "Dickens Holiday Festival" to placate anyone who might be offended by the word Christmas in the title. Hmmm... is this another casualty in the stupid "War on Christmas" that the bobbleheads on Fox News have bemoaned for several years now? Or is it atonement for high school freshmen having to read Barlelby the Scrivener? Either way, as I recall, Charles Dickens never wrote A Holiday Carol.

Will students in the area have to read a censored version of the Dickens classic? Will the character Bob Crachett be called something that doesn't sound so much like Crotch? Scrooge sounds an awful lot alike "Screw," and Buddha knows we can't have the kids reading such salty language.

As usual, South Park nailed this topic ten years ago, in the great "Mr. Hankey" episode:

www.tv.com/south-park/mr.-hankey-the-christmas-poo/episode/2425/summary.html?tag=ep_list;ep_title;11

A singing, dancing, talking magical turd is the star of the show, but the most clever line is when Mr. Garrison explains that the town is forced to remove all flashing lights, since they're offensive to people with epilepsy.

Anyway, what's your take? If you're an atheist, do you say "Merry Christmas" to people? If you're a Christian, are you particularly offended by this PC nonsense? And if you're Jewish, can you hook up a seriously doubting gentile who'll say Merry Anything-just-to-be-nice-and-stick-to-tradition-and-just-be-nice-to-people-because-that's-what-the -season's-all-about-anyway (me) with some homemade latkes? Those things are fiercely good.

Hanoe hobn!

Thanksgiving Bullet Points

Dylan Gibbs — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 14:31:53 GMT

• Liven up your dinner. Turkey’s so last millennium. Try peacock or peahen, an eagle or skip poultry altogether, man up, and make Beef Wellington.

• Substitute side dishes such as mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green beans and stuffing with hot wings, mini-tacos, mozzarella sticks and jalapeno poppers. Think about it: Beef Wellington as your main course along with the appetizer menu from AppleFridayCharleyTuesdays… hey, you only live once.

• Plan extensively for “Black Friday.” Liquor stores are often closed on Thanksgiving, and the day after – often cited as the busiest shopping day of the year – should, in reality, be spent entirely too drunk to shop, let alone drive to get to the stores. Stock up beforehand so you don’t have to leave the house at all on Friday.

• A lot of college students are home from faraway campuses and are out to have a good time… older single men and women with no/few morals – this is prime time to take advantage of naive (but legal) youngsters.

• A turkey sandwich on toasted, buttered bread with a liberal amount of seasoned salt is the best lunch to have while drinking on Friday. Mix dark and white meat equally for the best flavor. Repeat as needed.

• If you absolutely must go out into the world on Black Friday, at least have the decent sense to get a designated driver. There’s no way to soberly cope with the mall on the day after Thanksgiving. Try not to lose your receipts. When you forget what you bought, you can match all the items up and make sure everything jives.

• Thanksgiving Day is a great day to watch football teams that no one around here likes. The Cowboys? The Lions? I know, tradition. But traditions can and should be broken. Chastity belts were traditional undergarments at one time. It was traditional for 8-year-olds to work in factories. Eight-year-olds, dude.

• That last one isn’t really about anything. It would be nice to have the teams that always play on Thanksgiving be someone other than Dallas and Detroit.

• In this same vein, can’t you just imagine former player and longtime announcer Pat Summerall being into some weird, kinky stuff? Like the “stuff they keep behind the counter” type of stuff? Yes, the image is icky, but it’s better than imagining him on the table, humping the mashed potatoes.

• The worse the weather, the better the food tastes. This bit of datum was gathered from the same people who proved that 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot. Among their other findings are that your car performs better after being washed and that your mother really is proud of you. Really.

• Benjamin Franklin wanted the turkey to be the United States’ official bird. As someone who has in fact encountered both a fully-grown turkey and a fully-grown bald eagle, I can personally attest that a turkey is much more intimidating. I’m not sure what that says about birds, me or Ben Franklin, but hell, Ben seems like he would have been fun to hang around with.

• Thanksgiving is a day that was created by the decree of our 16th President, Abe Lincoln. We are supposed to set the day aside to give thanks for the good things in our lives. Food and shelter are pretty big on the list. Clothes, family and liquor are up there too. At some point, you should probably, maybe, just once, think about all that stuff before you pass out on the couch with your hand shoved down your pants as the Lions are getting clobbered by Green Bay.